Overcoming Assumptions: Oliver

Oliver's encounter of a past trauma triggers a healing process in the present.

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“In the famous words of Oliver O’Toole...Norman?”
“Any mistake can be traced to an assumption.”

A brief RV exchange between Oliver, Norman and Shane during the initial stages of their mail investigation, these “famous words” also presented a core theme of Signed, Sealed, Delivered: The Road Less Traveled. Believe it or not, Oliver, Norman and Shane were, or eventually ended up, operating on assumptions of some kind throughout the film.

An assumption is, by definition, “a thing that is accepted as true or as certain, without proof.” Oliver operated for a time on the assumption his relationship with Shane was in jeopardy; Norman operated on the assumption that Rita wouldn’t want to marry him if he wanted to adopt; and Shane operated on the assumption the revelation of her sister would tear her current relationships apart. What all of these assumptions have in common is that they were rooted in another kind of “assumption”---the taking up, or adoption of, identities or burdens which were incorrect or not theirs to carry. The manners in which they were acquired varied, but all of them are evidence of past pain and trauma, the consequences of which were erroneously transposed onto their present, and posed a potential threat to their future if left unaddressed.

Today, we start that journey of understanding with OIiver.

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They were his “famous words,” but the discovery of a text from Alex Brighton caused Oliver to fall victim to the assumption that his relationship with Shane was headed for a permanent breakdown. A mistake facilitated by incomplete information, it was merely a symptom of another deeply rooted “assumption” established by his mother and Holly: that any woman Oliver deemed important was “temporary” and unlikely to stay. This caused Oliver to take up the belief of not being worth staying for as an identity out of which he operated in life.

Torn between his deep feelings for Shane and the deep emotional trauma from his past, Oliver had to weigh what he knew to be true about Shane and their bond, against this past trigger to discern the truth and chart a path forward.

Rear View Mirror

In the Relationship Road Map post, we reviewed Oliver’s history with the women in his life. We know “[Oliver’s] mother left [him] in search of adventure, [his] wife left [him] in search of...something,” and that conditioned Oliver to have difficulty “imagin[ing] a woman staying in [his] life.” What we’ve yet to address, however, is how their abandonment actually ingrained in Oliver a belief that he wasn’t enough for his mother or Holly to stay. Echoes of this have come out throughout the series.

In the Pilot, Oliver detailed how Holly was “tired of being married to a government official,” and left him for Paris. In the series, Oliver took dance lessons because he believed his hesitation to do so contributed to Holly’s “overall dissatisfaction.” Among other things, Oliver’s attempt to take those classes was his way of proving he was worth Holly’s return. His mother, of course, left Joe and traveled the world with her new husband, and Oliver’s biological father. Remember Oliver’s chief conclusion was because “she didn’t want [him],” which Joe corrected with the truth that she just wasn’t “cut out to be a mother.” These women, who were supposed to be an important part of his life, left Oliver behind, and ingrained in him the idea that any woman with the potential to become important to him was “temporary” and unlikely to stay. Consequently, he “assumed” the belief of not being worth staying for as an identity out of which he operated in life.

This fully explained Oliver’s response to the text message that appeared on Shane’s phone. He had allowed himself to become attached to Shane on a deep level. She was an important woman in his life. To encounter a text message from an unknown party expressing things like “You can’t avoid me forever. I love you and I miss you,” likely not only brought back feelings of not being enough, but perhaps even echoed his mother’s infidelity, the worst kind of relationship betrayal. This particular trigger caused Oliver to question everything, even Shane, whom he once thought permanent and secure. In fact, it hit such a raw emotional nerve that it caused Oliver to very nearly discard or ignore all the evidence that he was worth, and was already the subject of, a very deep investment, a core indicator that Shane had no intention of leaving him.

Missed Signals

Aside from the various posts on this blog dedicated to detailing Shane’s investment in Oliver throughout the series, there was a plethora of evidence echoing the same sprinkled throughout The Road Less Traveled:

Both in an out of his presence, Shane demonstrated her investment in Oliver on many levels. Teasing Oliver’s preference to call her “Ms. McInerney” while in the “mobile unit,” articulating her belief in “trust[ing] the timing,” to even something as simple as knowing Oliver liked his ham sandwich on rye bread, Shane revealed how she had adapted to, and been transformed by, her relationship with Oliver. What’s more, she explicitly expressed her intent to “not go...anywhere.” Even in the midst of her struggle, Shane still wanted to “hold hands while [she worked] things out,” not the move of someone looking to move on. And a majority of this evidence was presented in the course of a single day.

But because Oliver had long ago subconsciously assumed the identity that he wasn’t enough, he couldn’t fully comprehend the evidence presented through Shane to the contrary in the present, nor even consider that perhaps Alex Brighton had no bearing on him or his relationship with Shane at all. It was the gap between his ingrained “assumption,” and lack of context for Alex Brighton, that fueled Oliver and Shane’s “temporary failure to restart.” Reeling, Oliver reacted, rather than responded, to his discovery. Operating on incomplete information, he allowed his past wound to convince him Shane was slipping away in the present, and Oliver, unfortunately, acted accordingly.

System Diagnostic

Fortunately for Oliver, he had a framework capable of helping Oliver overcome his falsely assumed identity---his relationship road map. In light of the text message, and Oliver’s initial poor handling of the situation during the RV breakdown, the proper application of his relationship road map offered a logical framework through which Oliver could filter his insecurity, assess his relationship with Shane, and re-calibrate his behavior.

Oliver’s relationship road map called for “making friends” with the “noises and rattles” to find out “what [Shane] likes and what she doesn’t,” and to “always pay attention.” This necessarily required Oliver to push past his insecurity---and with it, his assumed identity---to isolate and evaluate his relationship with Shane in the present. To evaluate, Oliver had to place the relationship in context, including the evidence Shane presented that demonstrated her investment in the relationship, plenty of which was staring him in the face. By embracing his road map, Oliver tempered his perceptions and actions based on the proof he already had, rather than continuing to act out of incomplete information.

It’s this kind of evaluation, and recognition that there was still information he needed to gather, which likely prompted him to summon the courage to ask Shane about Alex Brighton directly. By moving to establish context for Alex, Oliver also confronted his insecurity, and began to erode the falsely assumed identity that plagued him. Though Shane “wasn’t ready to talk about it yet,” and asked to “still hold hands while she worked things out,” Oliver’s quick agreement proved that he instinctively trusted Shane without requiring more information. Most importantly, Shane’s expressed desire to keep him close “while she worked things out” was subtle evidence that Shane truly needed him, and that he was worth holding onto.

Even so, the question of “who [Shane] belong[ed] to,” still lingered for Oliver, but it also revealed something about him. When he verbalized this alone in the RV, it was first time Oliver had ever verbalized his core issue of belonging or, conversely, his worth being connected to in some form. It was almost as if Oliver’s relationship road map had isolated this core issue that lay underneath his immediate concern over Shane. Having made the choice to “not let go” of Shane, Oliver committed to exercising patience as he allowed things to play out. Exposed and divorced from his immediate circumstances, Oliver’s core issue of belonging came to the fore. The depth of his feelings for Shane, however, compelled Oliver to remain steadfast in his relationship and make the choice to trust her, and their bond, to move beyond that insecurity.

The core function of Oliver’s relationship road map was to deepen his relationship with Shane by getting to know her in a complete and comprehensive way in pursuit of becoming one. Interestingly, it also served as a diagnostic tool through which Oliver could logically assess the state of their bond and adjust his behavior based on his findings. Applied in this context, it also isolated and exposed his core issue of belonging, which allowed Oliver to identify, and choose to move beyond, that insecurity to continue to pursue Shane.

Looking Ahead

Oliver’s courage to remain steadfast opened the space for Shane to be transparent with Rachel in his presence, which proved a decisive step towards addressing Oliver’s insecurity, as Shane and Rachel’s interaction gained Oliver some of the context and understanding that enabled his interaction with Shane outside Minnie’s Diner.

Alex, and the text messages, were the symptom of a problem whose root was completely independent of Oliver in every way, shape and form. This revelation was a critical moment for Oliver, as it directly spoke to the assumption upon which he had been operating. Distracted by his concern that their relationship was headed for a breakdown, Oliver never stopped to consider the issue lay with Shane. This completely invalidated Oliver’s insecurity that he wasn’t someone for whom Shane thought it was worth staying. More importantly, it separated Shane from both Holly and his mother for good. Shane was an important woman in his life, and she would continue to be so permanently. His insecurity removed, Oliver had the confidence to demonstrate, and even increase, his own investment in their relationship, and simultaneously assigned himself a new, more apropos identity in the process.

Oliver had already begun to invest more deeply in the relationship when he committed to “hold[ing] [Shane’s] hand while [she] work[ed] things out.” Once more secure (safe) in his relationship with Shane, Oliver became emotionally available, and confident, to do more. Beyond simply coming alongside Shane for support as she emotionally grappled with Alex, Oliver, by reassuring Shane that she “wouldn’t have to [face Alex] alone,” assumed some of that burden. The commitment of someone interested in more than just a “relationship,” Oliver assumed not only an increased emotional responsibility, but the label of “boyfriend” that identified, and declared, it. Oliver even encouraged Shane to share his new identity with the same person who initially triggered his temporary crisis, a clear sign Oliver had made a clean break with the identity that once held him back.

Abandoned by women who were important to him, Oliver was subconsciously conditioned to believe he was not someone for whom it was worth staying. Triggered by text messages from a person for whom he had no context, Oliver was forced to confront this deeply ingrained identity and the issue of belonging it had created. Under the mistaken belief that his relationship with Shane was headed for a breakdown, Oliver initially struggled to directly address the issue. But when he applied his Relationship Road Map, Oliver had a logical framework through which he filtered his insecurity, assessed his relationship with Shane and re-calibrated his behavior. The result was a strong foundation from which he could confront the assumed identity that held him back, and gather the evidence he needed to abandon it once and for all. 

Tackling Triggers,
~C

Overcoming Assumptions: Oliver | Norman | Shane