 | Norman needed a way "in." |
It wasn't hard to miss the fact that Norman was struggling to navigate his relationship with Rita's family, particularly her father, in Signed, Sealed, Delivered: Home Again. But what you might have missed is just how truly disruptive it was for Norman at a core level. Hard-wired to create associations and connections with the people around him, Norman faced a unique challenge in Rita's parents, and employed a variety of tactics in aid of not only getting their approval, but avoiding rejection.
Knowing Norman
To get the best understanding of what Norman was contending with in Home Again, we have to remember who Norman is at his core.
In the What's In A Name series we defined Norman as the embodiment of our universal desire to connect and be connected with. His desire for family, and the ways Norman negotiated and fulfilled that need by assigning those around him a place in the family he created for himself, is something we have witnessed him do time and again throughout the series, for example, his many "cousins."
When Norman proposed to Rita in Higher Ground, he committed to creating a new family. But, as everyone knows, you don't just marry a person---you marry their family, too. As a consequence, Norman committed to blending their families, starting with him blending into Rita's. This is where things got tricky, because until this point, Norman created associations and assigned roles to people in his life. Now, Bill and Sunny needed to assign a place for Norman. It's the space between realizing this truth, and his numerous attempts to find his place, that Norman spent Home Again navigating.
In the What's In A Name series we defined Norman as the embodiment of our universal desire to connect and be connected with. His desire for family, and the ways Norman negotiated and fulfilled that need by assigning those around him a place in the family he created for himself, is something we have witnessed him do time and again throughout the series, for example, his many "cousins."
When Norman proposed to Rita in Higher Ground, he committed to creating a new family. But, as everyone knows, you don't just marry a person---you marry their family, too. As a consequence, Norman committed to blending their families, starting with him blending into Rita's. This is where things got tricky, because until this point, Norman created associations and assigned roles to people in his life. Now, Bill and Sunny needed to assign a place for Norman. It's the space between realizing this truth, and his numerous attempts to find his place, that Norman spent Home Again navigating.
His Challenge
Norman didn't get off to the greatest of starts with neither Bill nor Sunny, but he went to great lengths to endear himself to them both:
In essence, Norman tried everything he knew to do in order to impress his future in-laws, from words to works.
Words
Blended bifocals wasn't the greatest introduction for Norman, so he got right to work endearing himself to the Haywith's by demonstrating his knowledge, and getting to know them, in an effort to connect.
Clearly, his first priority was repairing the rift caused first by the glasses, then by the missing ring, a circumstance which he eventually tries to explain. In between, Norman tried to crack a joke about the Jukebox, and demonstrated his knowledge that New Mexico is "the land of enchantment." Neither effort gained much traction.
Words
Blended bifocals wasn't the greatest introduction for Norman, so he got right to work endearing himself to the Haywith's by demonstrating his knowledge, and getting to know them, in an effort to connect.
Clearly, his first priority was repairing the rift caused first by the glasses, then by the missing ring, a circumstance which he eventually tries to explain. In between, Norman tried to crack a joke about the Jukebox, and demonstrated his knowledge that New Mexico is "the land of enchantment." Neither effort gained much traction.
 Trying to figure things out. | Norman tried to show them around the DLO and explain about their work in an effort to help Bill and Sunny get to know him a little better. Norman even tried to throw out a fun fact about the museum of barbed wire, and ask about where Rita got her memory. Throughout the course of their visit, Rita even tried to laud Norman's professional skills, specifically his "special handling" abilities, and knowledge of postal regulations, to endear him to her parents. |
Where many of these things failed to get a response from Bill, when the conversation shifted to things about Rita, like Norman's suggestion that the space become an office/meditation space, Bill didn't hesitate to speak up, suggesting a "waterfall of hanging beads to divide up the space." Not surprisingly, Bill even lent his skills and talents to cleaning it up for her. Seeming to make headway, Norman tried to "do" something, too.
But before we get to Norman's "works," it's important to remember that when they returned from the farm that day, the POstables encountered Bill, Sunny and Joe singing "Blowin' In The Wind," which Norman recognized as the song Rita used to sing to Hudson. Perhaps Norman's closest connection to Rita's past---and, by extension, Bill---sharing this knowledge with Bill should have been the real key to making a connection. However, this, too, failed to gain Bill's acceptance or approval.
But before we get to Norman's "works," it's important to remember that when they returned from the farm that day, the POstables encountered Bill, Sunny and Joe singing "Blowin' In The Wind," which Norman recognized as the song Rita used to sing to Hudson. Perhaps Norman's closest connection to Rita's past---and, by extension, Bill---sharing this knowledge with Bill should have been the real key to making a connection. However, this, too, failed to gain Bill's acceptance or approval.
 A better approach? | Works Perhaps sensing that it would require more than just words to make headway with Bill, Norman tried a different approach. Norman not only milked a cow and presented the product to Bill with the declaring he knew Bill "liked healthy things," he also milked a cow named Petula, a reference to a '60's music icon, in the hopes one or both of these things would resonate with Bill. As with his words, however, Norman's works did no better job of securing Bill's approval or acceptance. And, when it comes right down to it, we shouldn't have been surprised. |
Missing Something
While Norman was busy trying to redeem himself in the eyes of Rita's parents, he became laser-focused on the goal of gaining their approval and acceptance, and perhaps even overcoming what Norman perceived as rejection. Norman became narrow-minded, misreading the situation as strictly a matter of being liked, and focusing all of his efforts to achieve those ends. Given what we know about Norman, his past as a foster child, and his inherent need to create associations, his actions are not all that surprising. Norman might not have realized it, but his attempts to endear Rita's parents were really just Norman attempting to control something that was out of his hands.
| If we recognize Norman as a manifestation of our very basic need as human beings to be loved and accepted by others, then what Norman is walking through in Home Again is basically a reflection of our actual response to this kind of situation. So often when we encounter situations in which there's someone who doesn't like us, it's our first instinct to focus our attention on that one person who we can't seem to sway our way---even exhausting ourselves to do it. Norman does the same here with Bill. |  Norman was missing something, and Sunny knew what it was. |
The approach of pouring our efforts and attention on gaining the approval and acceptance of one person is faulty for two reasons. The first reason is that it's selfish---it doesn't take into account the position or perspective of the person we're trying to win over. Without perspective, our approach to understanding the person is incomplete, and our efforts destined to be unsuccessful. The second reason is that focusing on the one person in the room we can't win over, we forget---or are blinded to---the people we've already "won."
Sunny is one of those people. While Norman was busy focusing his attentions on Bill, he missed the acceptance he was looking for, which was staring him in the face the entire time---literally.
Sunny is one of those people. While Norman was busy focusing his attentions on Bill, he missed the acceptance he was looking for, which was staring him in the face the entire time---literally.
Whether in front of him or on his behalf, Sunny attempted to act as an advocate for Norman. Despite having almost immediate grounds to reject him over her broken glasses, Sunny chose instead to embrace Norman. But perhaps the greatest gift Sunny imparted to Norman was perspective. Explaining to him that Bill was "a sad dad," and that "[Bill] was [Rita's] hero, now she has two" was key. Norman spent his entire time looking for a way "in" to the Haywith family, but didn't see that Bill was feeling on the "outs." This revelation was a turning point for Norman who, with reassurance from Sunny, once again revised his approach. This time, however, Norman did so from a place of support, rather than a place of need.
Grounded with a more complete perspective thanks to Sunny, Norman was not only "ready to surprise [Bill]," but perhaps to even surprise himself.
Grounded with a more complete perspective thanks to Sunny, Norman was not only "ready to surprise [Bill]," but perhaps to even surprise himself.
Getting "In"Once jumpy, nervous and visibly awkward, when Norman encountered Bill in light of his new understanding, Norman appeared calm, confident and demonstrated a maturity and clarity he had yet to exhibit. That maturity came through in the way he proceeded to include Sunny and Bill in his re-proposal to Rita, which incorporated the perspective only recently imparted on him. |  All grown up. |
In addressing Rita, Norman focused on the specific qualities in her with which he fell in love. Though Norman didn't know much about Bill in an objective sense, Norman drew on what he knew must be true about Bill based on the "wise...smart...[and] brave" woman Rita had become. Instead of trying to focus on his own qualities, Norman chose to focus on Rita, and, by extension, Bill, in a way that honored and acknowledged them both. In this way, Norman drew Bill "in" from the "outs" by including him in this proposal, and verbally recognizing the role Bill played in making it possible as Rita's father. It's immediately clear the gesture impacted Bill, who, clearly moved, outstretched his hand and, with a truly heartfelt "nice job," welcomed Norman to the family. In one moment, Norman achieved the acceptance he had been trying to earn from Bill since the day they met. But Norman didn't gain it with his actions, but with the content of his heart, and recognizing and honoring the hearts of others.
| At the same time, through this experience, Norman, Bill, Sunny and Rita created a new memory in this moment as a soon-to-be blended family. But it wasn't the last memory they would make together, nor the end of Norman's experience of his "new family." The next evening at Bistro Ramon, Bill gives Norman the keys to the RV. This is actually a much more profound act on Bill's part than is readily apparent. By giving Norman the keys, Bill entrusted a piece of the family legacy to him. It is so much more than a honeymoon present---it's evidence of a father (in-law) completely and willingly grafting his son (in-law) onto the family tree. This is a more deeply-rooted and complete answer than the simple acceptance and approval Norman was originally seeking. |  An unexpected gift. |
Meeting the in-laws is stressful for everyone, but for Norman, who thrives on his connections to others, the pressure of making it happen found him tripping over himself without yielding the desired results, all in an effort to avoid rejection. It wasn't until all avenues were exhausted, however, that Norman was finally ready to receive the wisdom that adjusted his perspective, and allowed him to connect with Bill in a meaningful way. In the end, Norman's trials and tribulations throughout Home Again positioned him for an even more profound and abiding place among the Haywith family than he likely could have ever imagined.
Approved,
~C
Approved,
~C
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